then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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