On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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