someone threw a dead crab at me
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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