I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
