Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
