so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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