So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
