Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
