cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You are the jesus of drinking
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
