I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
