This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
