So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my shit smells like andre
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
