Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
