You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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