o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
