I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
