i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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