she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
