whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The uberlube is also flammable
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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