my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
