Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Your cock deserves a montage
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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