I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
