Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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