she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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