Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
