i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
