when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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