literally had 100 drinks last night.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
