Please, let me fuck your mom
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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