Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
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