I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
