when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
So squirting runs in the family.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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