My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Buhtt sex?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
