I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
