my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
