I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
