Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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