Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
