Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
