his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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