maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
