Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
