He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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