theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
