am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
