yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
