Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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