remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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