I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I am mentally ready for anal.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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