My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
