I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Mom said you looked used
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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