So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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