Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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